Welcome to the craziness....

Thursday, September 24, 2015

My Tractor is Most Definitely NOT Sexy...

So I mentioned last week that my Mom was out of town.

She has had a rough few months and was on a much deserved trip to the beach.

Well me, being the best daughter. 

Clearly the most loving, caring, compassionate, thoughtful...you get the picture...decided to do her a little favor and mow the grass.

You see, Nana has a big yard and mowing it is quite the task.

This is no push lawn mower job.  

This is the real deal, riding mower type job.

On the real deal, John Deere itself. 

Now, mind you I don't normally mow grass.

Push or riding mower.

It's not that I don't want to, but I have never learned. And my husband delights in the fact he can put on his headphones, take off his shirt, and most importantly escape the children for several glorious hours while we gallivants up and down the yard on our mower. We have five acres so it is quite the "mini vacation".

So last Thursday I think to myself, "Self. You are gonna mow Mom's grass. And you are gonna have a glorious time."

I know you are probably thinking...who has a good time mowing the grass?!?!

Well, stick with me...here was my vision:

Me, cruisin on the mower. 
Wearing my tank top, working on my tan.
Ice cold McDonald's sweet tea (in a styrofoam cup of course) in the cupholder.
The local sports radio show on my headphones (I was pumping myself up for our potential win over FL--which we SHOULD HAVE won by the way!!)
Kids at school. 
Just me and God's glorious creation.

So I hop on the mower and get ready to fire her up.
Somewhat surprisingly I get it started fairly quickly.
Then it dawns on me I will have to reverse out of the garage.


Now how does this thing reverse???

Well, I did what any red blooded American would do and I turned that sucker off--honestly, this is when I learned that when you are no longer sitting on the seat the mower turns itself off.
Well, isn't that convenient.
Anyhoo, I "gingerly" pushed that thing right out of the garage. With my bare hands.

So much for not breaking a sweat.

Somehow I got it started again and was ready to roll.

I drove her back to the backyard where I had decided to start my little mowing expedition.

I went back and forth a few times, thinking this is the good life...when I realized the mower wasn't actually cutting the grass. 
I was just cruising. 
Which is all sorts of fun for my five year-old (and honestly I was enjoying it myself). 
But I did come to actually CUT the grass.

So I hopped off to investigate. (cue mower turning itself off)

In the meantime I texted my brother-in-law and mentioned I was mowing mom's grass and I had a few tiny questions. 
Main one being...how to actually mow.

Bless his heart, he called me and pointed out all the necessary steps to mow the grass.
(I'm sure he was dying on the other side. Especially when I mentioned I had also not figured out how to reverse. I mean how often was I gonna have to reverse anyway?!?! Isn't it just back and forth?!?)

Well, after getting off the phone and feeling confident in my grass cutting abilities I went to fire her up.


Tried again.


And again. 

And one more time for good measure.

It's at this point I realize my mowing dreams may be on the freeway to Nowhere-ville.


Tried it one more time.


**I'm also fairly certain it was at this point the neighbors that were home were wondering why the mower had gone from running, to sounding like a dying cow, to sputtering, to nothing. 

Now, I was not about to give up on all my hopes and dreams.

So I decided to sit back and evaluate the situation. 

And I was sweating. 

So I went inside sipped on my tea and briefly contemplated leaving the mower right there in the middle of the yard. I could text my BIL and ask him to come by after work and at least put the mower away for me.

But winners don't quit.

So I went back out and I noticed that when I turned the key the lights also did not come on.

I remembered my step-dad having a battery jumper thing (no formal names here folks....if you've read this far that should be apparent).

I grabbed the battery jumper and lifted the 'ol hood. 

Now this is when I decided that mowing was much more dangerous than I had anticipated.

There is the whole red/black +/- thing....and the whole thing about not touching this, grounding that, sparks, etc...

I had come this far though. I could not give up.

Thank goodness it was fairly self-explanatory and I put the + to the + and the - to the -...crossed my fingers and said my best Hail Mary.

Sure enough after letting it charge for a few minutes I got it started.

It was like I'd won an Oscar.

I was so proud.

So I hopped off to unhook everything.

And it quit.

Oh yeah....that stupid seat.


I fired it up again and decided I better let it run a few minutes...in the hopes that when I stopped it and unhooked the battery thingy it would start back for me.

Well, hallelujah the grass mowing gods showed favor on me and I unhooked it, hopped back on and fired that puppy right up!!

I was feeling pretty darn good about myself.

And I was only slightly sweating at this point.

And my radio show was over.

And my sweet tea had turned into a watery version of what it once was.

But I got the mower started. 
And the blade down.
And I was actually MOWING.

Granted, I am fairly certain if you were in a plane above it looked like crop circles. 

But I did it.

And I was so glad I could help.

Insert me in to this picture. Mowing expert now. Call me for all your lawn care needs!

**Side note...mowing is not like cruising up and down relaxing as you go. 
Note to self, next time: support bra. 
And my phone only bounced out twice. 
I managed to not mow it over. 
But if you follow me at all on Facebook you'll know I should have.

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